I know you saw the Exorcist. Everybody did. Probably you were a kid and it gave you horrible nightmares forever, and the pea soup and broken necks and all that. And then Linda Blair became a washed up porn star for PETA. The big problem in the movie is that the demon is in the kid and no one can get it out.

What started as one lame dog sort of expanded, like a unattractive, puss filled facial boil, into the dog that can’t move due to feeling extreme pain upon moving and can’t take pain drugs due to demonic possession and a house full of horrible dog screaming upon occasions of dog moving. Dog screaming spawns frenzied dog barking and howling from the other dogs, who grow more freaked out by the day. I am lucky that the neighbor next door, who was deaf until he tragically became dead, can’t hear and call animal services out. The Clash was playing loudly on the radio during the last episode of freaking out, and that seemed suitably fitting and sound blocking.

So righty-o, in between rain storms and dog storms and trying to go through the dusty stacks of clutter on what were once our kitchen counters, there’s always time for a t-shirt. Because I know you’re just as excited about Christmas shopping as I am, and you just wish it would be there. Clickety click. Buy the perfect present in a second. And for you, today, we have a new Be Nice Don’t Bite shirt.

Buy early, buy often, buy to help me construct my bedazzled throne of emerald nugget lucky charms. From where I will sit and survey the kingdom I’ve constructed beneath me. Of dust covered kitchen counters, sticky with dog meds, dirty socks and one hundred New Yorker magazines, where you can see two dogs running underneath, and where you can’t see the one that for today, just can’t move.

Get yers here.