Oscar night is nerve wracking. You sit there, and wait for the presenter to call out your name. You sit and wait and wait and wait and wait. They always stick us way up high in the cheap seats.

And the Oscar goes to. Pause. Wait. Camera pans on the audience. Otterpop is under a chair chewing on her foot.

Otterpop!

Otterpop climbs up on the tire. “Otterpop would like to thank OTTERPOP.”

Then Otterpop chases poor hobbling 100 year old Kirk Douglas off the stage. Otterpop is such an ass. He is like 100 year old and can barely walk with a cane. Goddamn you, Otterpop.

Ruby won best documentary. She had to read her speech off of a receipt that was scribbled with notes about quantum theoretical inflatron particle matter energy vacuums then inexplicably stopped mid speech and jumped out into the audience to attack Sharon Stone’s bird dress. Sharon Stone had a club and started attacking back, but Mark Wahlberg pulled them apart and James Franco took Ruby backstage to the bar. James Franco was a friend of Timmy, so he looks out for Ruby.

Gustavo thought the Oscar was a butterfly and got scared. Luckily I caught him and was able to make a speech for him since Gustavo can’t talk.

Gustavo had a lot of people to thank, I rattled them off: Gary, Rob, Jim, Nancy, Susan, Silvia, Ashley, Kathleen, Dee, Laura, Greg, Vici, Mary, Anne, Rena, Kim, Karey, Linnea, Ellen, Wendy, Michael, Marion, and all his agility pals and supporters who are still helping him along the way.

Then we all went out for tacos at a taqueria down on the other end of Hollywood Blvd.