So the one saving grace of not running dogs at Dirt Nite last night would have been seeing the amazing, awesome, best ever JAMES DURBIN of Santa Cruz sing on American Idol. I never even watched American Idol before JAMES DURBIN. I never even knew JAMES DURBIN before American Idol. But do you know who I’m obsessed with these days? That would be JAMES DURBIN.

I can’t run. My face is swelled up like I had collagen and botox injected by the liter bag until my whole face inflated up like Real Housewives of Orangutan Faces. It’s nasty. It throbs when I move too fast. I sure hope someday I have a front tooth. I taught agility class then came home.

And remembered to turn on American Idol.

Too bad I remembered right after James sang.

So sad. Too bad. No saving grace for not running dogs at Dirt Nite.

I’m sure he was awesome and amazing and best ever. Hayley (do you watch this show? Or you are at agility too?) sang something Michael Jackson with a gospel choir. She has nice legs and pretty teeth. She makes growly sounds like Otterpop, yet bores me. Which Otterpop would never, ever do. Scotty sang something about talking to Jesus and September 11. He wears one big ass cross. His face scares me like a glowing evil puppet leering out of a dark closet. With no one running his puppet strings. Creepy. Lauren wore an awesome hooker dress, she looks like a scarlet harlot from the Pirates of Caribean. I don’t know what she was singing about. She’s 16 years old and a little chubby. I bet she loves puppies.

J-lo calls the contestants baby. Steven Tyler is your decorative, feather wearing grandpa on anti-depressants and loves them all. Randy says yo a lot. He feels eveybody. They’re the judges and they seem like they should have something more interesting to say.

Then Lady Gaga comes on wearing leather panties and panda owl eyes and gives all of them singing lessons. She freaks out the little Jesus puppety one. I wish Lady Gaga loved dog agility. She even gave JAMES DURBIN a singing lesson. I think she scared him.

James is so awesome. Have I mentioned this? He sang a Journey song. and Love Potion Number 9 One from satellite radio. I found it on youtube. Beyond awesome. I have no words. I am stuck here with awesome. Journey, rendered ironically, yet not ironically. He wears a little scarf like a tail. Like a slightly pudgy racoon with the best outfits of all the forest animals. A botox, collagen faced racoon.

If you are calling and voting for Idols, I hope you are voting for James. Unless you’re at your own Dirt Nite. But you can still call when you get home. Just sayin’.