OK, so yesterday I got wind of an amazing yet expensive bit of dog training available to just a select group of dog agility people. Not exclusive to ladies or gents, just anyone with $5000 clams to invest in their dog’s contacts.

Even though I’m off facebook for the most part, I went in there fast, because you know how to find out any kind of dog agility gossip? It’s in facebook. And indeed. Susan Garrett, magic genie and Louis Vuitton of dog agility, is offering to 5 lucky people her knowledge of flawless running contacts. So flawless you can run screaming next to the dogwalk and your dog won’t miss them. Ever. EVAH!

Wait, you are all, why are YOU plugging Susan Garrett? Isn’t she good enough at plugging herself? She is Indeed! Don’t be a hater. Not only is she furthering awesome dog training, she is well on her way to dog agility millionairism. Unless Greg Louganis got there first. Can you tell millionaires by the size of their motorhomes?

She’s already closed the application process, but maybe if you write to her, quick, you could get in. You need to fly to her house in Canada a couple times (not included and not sure if she has an airplane landing strip in her yard or lets you sleep over in her guest room?), and practice at home. If you follow the righteous path, your dog will have awesome and flawless running contacts really fast. Not the 40 gazillion repetition kind. Not sure how she’s going to show you, that’s where the moola comes in.

So why am I telling you all this? Because, I think if you have $5,000 to spend on running contacts, you probably should be bringing me and Otterpop along to chronicle your journey. She said if you brought a film crew. We are sort of like this. Otterpop doesn’t really count as film crew but it is totally fun to bring a dog on a plane. I have ipad and a little camera that fits in the palm of my hand. You seen that show about all the Kardashians? Or the housewives of Beverly Hills? This could be YOU. We will make it YOU. Jewel toned satins and dripping with diamonds, baby.

Did you already apply? Know someone who did? Are on the fence?

Like it wasn’t already an awesome idea, bring along Laura and one member of Team Small Dog to make it even way, way, way more awesome. You pay our airfare, I think we could eat dinner over at Jodi’s house, (I mean totally inviting myself over, sorry about this Jodi and hope you are going to be home?) so you don’t even have to pay for my food and I can bring Otterpop’s meals in a ziploc. Fits in my tote bag. We will paparazzi your arrival off the plane and your meeting with Susan. We will try not to pay too much attention during the learning part so we’re not getting any knowledge for free, and we will photoshop out any face wrinkles you have or any fatness of your ass in all the photos I take! I can text you funny little things while you are waiting your turn to make you giggle, but they will be short because I type really slow into my phone and also you will need to be paying attention, remember, $5,000.

Um, hey, Susan Garrett, probably you should have made this part of the offer? Value added service? Do you think my phone works in Canada?

I await your call. I think my number is in Susan’ Garrett’s phone so just ask her for my number when you’re accepted to the program. Uh oh, do I need a passport to go to Canada? We better get on this. Talk to you soon!